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I threw out this question to my friends on Facebook: Can interfaith marriages work?
My sister, who is Jewish and married to a Jew, celebrates Shabbat and had her son Bar Mitzvahed in Israel last year—in other words, she's a SuperJew—responded with: "My father would disown me if I didn't marry someone Jewish." This is especially relevant, and very funny sister, because the person I'm pretty much planning on spending the rest of my life with is an atheist. But he was raised Jewish and got Bar Mitzvahed, and this is good enough for my conservative Jewish father.
As for my own connection with Judaism . . . does liking matzah ball soup count?
I'm actually a very spiritual person. I practice Buddhism on a regular basis and describe myself as a "Jew-Bu." But I've always seen spirituality as such a personal thing that I don't need my partner to necessarily share it with me—so long as he respects it. After all, I respect his beliefs (or lack thereof).
One moment in particular stands out in my mind as a clarifying moment. I was at my aunt's wake (part of my family is Catholic, which is another essay all together) and started crying. My boyfriend pulled me aside, trying to comfort me, and said, "I know your aunt is here with you." I stopped and we looked into each other's eyes with mutual confusion. He said, "Wait, I don't. I'm sorry, I can't even pretend." We both cracked up laughing and gave each other a hug.
But while we've navigated our blending of faiths thus far, I can't help but wonder what the future holds. Do same-faith relationships work in the long run?
Survey Says . . .
A study conducted by Naomi Schaefer Riley for her book Til Faith Do Us Part showed that interfaith marriages make up 42% of all marriages in the U.S. Riley also found that interfaith marriages are, on average, less happy than same-faith ones. OK, that doesn't exactly score points for my relationship—but another statistic made me think otherwise.
According to the study, roughly one-third of all evangelical marriages end in divorce, compared to 50% of marriages between evangelicals and non-evangelicals. Why is this? Evangelicals are pretty staunch in their faith, so I assume it's harder for them to compromise on how they want to live their lives, raise their children, etc. In other words, the problem might not be what someone believes in . . . but how strongly that person believes in it.
An Atheist Explains It Best
Newlyweds Hailey* and Drew* met online. They are both atheists and only wanted to date atheists. They even specified that in their profiles, as Hailey explained to me:
We were both looking for the real deal, so we both entered search criteria that strictly limited potential matches, and one of the limits was religion. It was really important to me to have religion out of the picture from the get go. I was raised atheist and so was Drew, and neither of us could imagine we could ever be truly in love or intimate on the level we desired with someone who subscribed to a belief system that was written by old men thousands of years ago. Finding someone who believes, the way I do, that this is the one chance you get at life has been the greatest joy!
It doesn't really matter that Hailey and Drew are both atheists. It only matters that they both feel really strongly about atheism. If they were both Muslim, Catholic or Jewish, with the same devotion to their beliefs, their relationship would probably work the same way.
But It's Also A Cultural Thing…
Kelsey* and her husband Jason* are an interfaith couple who met online. Kelsey was raised Jewish, but she explains that their cultural similarities override specific religious beliefs:
Jason is Catholic, but non-practicing and Italian Catholics from Florida by way of Long Island are strangely "Jewish" enough for me! Jason is ISH. Not a full Jew, just ISH.
Kelsey grew up in New York City, which has a significant crossover population with Florida (it's where many New Yorkers go to stay warm or die). Culturally, Italian Catholics and Jews are a lot alike. They are both big on food and devotion to family. But when it comes to religion for Kelsey and Jason, it's not a priority either way.
To Agree And Disagree
The bottom line? Relationships are all about compromise, and for people who are incredibly devoted to their faith, no matter what it is, that's probably not something they can compromise on or change. But that hardly means all interfaith couples are doomed to divorce damnation.
At the end of the day, the most important thing to have faith in as a couple, is each other.
* Names have been changed.
